Times I Have Cried

• Upon hearing the news that my dog of 13 years, Dingo, deceased
• Listening to Damien Rice perform "Volcano" live on my birthday
• Watching Simba scramble to find someone to save his father in The Lion King
• Hearing "When I Go" on Pandora while at my research lab

It was quite awkward. I was at my desk, working on homework with my headphones in while waiting for antibodies to bind, when Pandora decided to pull up Brett Dennen for my Ben Harper radio. How I had gone four years without ever hearing this song, I have no idea. The song started happily enough, with bright chords finger-picked in a major key, but the content of the music - his voice, his words, the melody - just floored me, man.

I've always been a romantic, caught up in stories of love and professions of love and pure, unadulterated acts of love and caring, but the fucking sincerity in "When I Go" blew me. So basically this song, right, is in first-person and all that, and this guy's basically going to die, or "go." You don't know why or whatever, but he's going to die and he's more than fine with it. He's excited and ready to go on to whatever's waiting for him afterward. But the only dark spot in all this is that he's leaving someone behind, who he knows will be devastated. So he sings this song to her as comfort.

The lyrics are as follows:

hold this heart when i go
sing my song when i go
sing it loud when i go
sing it proud when i go

some people are learning to die and some people are yearning to fly
some people are learning to die and some people are yearning to fly
some people are learning to die and some people are yearning to fly
but i know that i'll be yearning to fly

when my, when my soul
takes leave of this world
when i leave this flesh and these bones
oh, i swear to you that you won't have to go alone

hold this heart when i go
sing my song when i go
sing it loud when i go
sing it proud when i go

some people are learning to die and some people are yearning to fly
some people are learning to die and some people are yearning to fly
some people are learning to die and some people are yearning to fly
but i know that i'll be yearning to fly

the first time my heart collided with yours
i know i felt the ocean tickle the earth's sandy shores
but changes come and we all know that we can't stop them
but i hold these memories and i will never drop them

and i'll watch over you
i'll watch over you
oh my care will cover you just like the morning dew
i'll watch over you
i'll watch over you
oh my care will cover you just like the morning dew

hold this heart when i go
sing my song when i go
sing it loud when i go
sing it proud when i go

some people are learning to die and some people are yearning to fly
some people are learning to die and some people are yearning to fly
some people are learning to die and some people are yearning to fly
but i know that i'll be yearning to fly

oh the thought of death has yet to make me afraid
'cause i will march right off of this world into the next like it's a grand parade
but if you feel lonely just like you want to run and hide
then i'll wrap my wings around you and give you strength and i won't leave your side

and i'll watch over you
i'll watch over you
oh my care will cover you just like the morning dew
i'll watch over you
i'll watch over you
you know i'd love to get to heaven
you know i'd love to see the view
but at first i think i'll stay and watch over you
oh, i'll watch over you
i'll watch over you

So I'm listening to this song and the lyrics are just overwhelming me, so I need to listen to this song again while reading the lyrics. But it's on Pandora, right, so I have no fucking control over the music save for play and pause, so I hustle to HypeMachine, and no one's posted "When I Go" for years, so I finally resort to iTunes and fork over 99 cents for what is now my favorite song. And I cry. I just sit there at my desk, in a room where I am not alone, and cry. But it's not like I'm close to anyone there, so I can't explain to them what I'm feeling or what this song just did to me, so I just bite my lip and try to control my sniffles and the water falling from my face. I don't know, they probably all think I'm crazy now.

m4a When I Go